Friendships and Loneliness
I've
been lacking a good dose of oxytocin lately! That feel good hormone
that primarily reduces stress and makes one feel loved.
A woman's
vitamin pill!
In
writing up this blog, it's become clear that friendship and
loneliness can be explored together, so I
began researching how other women felt, and had long phone conversations with a couple of these 'old' friends on this topic. Had they ever lacked deeply meaningful friendships at one time or another? How did they feel re the ending of some? And others they may have avoided contacting in case another flare-up happened. I don't think there's a
woman alive who hasn't experienced a challenge with a female
friendship.
In
a Melbourne writers group, the following writers and academics - Maya
Linden, Christie Nieman, Maggie Scott, Natalie Kon-Yu and Miriam
Sved, also discussed female friendships, and discovered that they had
all been "dumped by a female friend" at one stage in their
lives.
With honesty and humour, their insights revealed how "our
friendships with other women define us and shape our lives, even when
they end..."
Then they wrote a book about the pain of female friendships, and the joys.
I've also been dumped once! Have you?
With one of my new friendships of a few years there has been a hiccup or
two, but in respectful dialogue we've been able to accept each other and our
differing philosophies, understand that we've led
contrasting lifestyles, and yet remain friends. I think the important
factor is that we're both committed to our shared sisterhood. This has been the glue despite any differences or defences.
Grappling
with this 'friendship' or lack of friends issue, led me to the topic
of Loneliness!
In
a recent discussion with another, we shared the same sense of occasional loneliness - though technology has enabled us to connect up with
thousands of people worldwide, it also has been a curse. We rarely
speak to people on the phone, and we both felt less lonely before
engaging with FB and the internet. We can have 100's of friends but
few to sit with on a daily or weekly basis to share our
dreams, challenges or fears.
Did
you know that a recent study in the UK revealed that loneliness is in
epidemic proportions, across the lifespan? Being a lone ranger in
our later years can significantly affect our health and wellbeing.
Our emotional life. A
six-year [Yale University] study, which focused on people age 60 and
older, found that men and women were 45% more likely to die
during the study if they reported feeling lonely, isolated, or left
out.
George
Monibot, in his article "This
is the Age of Loneliness.” says "we
have ripped the natural world apart, degraded our conditions of life,
surrendered our freedoms and prospects of contentment to a
compulsive, atomising, joyless hedonism, in which, having consumed
all else, we start to prey upon ourselves. For this, we have
destroyed the essence of humanity: our connectedness".
Friendships
are a key factor to a happy middle age and beyond, it's good for our
souls. It's believed
that at
midlife its important to maintain and nurture the relationships that
have lasted for decades, to experience the timeline of life with
friends. But how,
as we get older, navigate these lonely times - sometimes without
those decade old friendships if we single women have moved away to be with our
children? Some have retired from full
time work, with endless hours to fill apart from some possible
volunteering, checking our messages on FB, tending the gardening or
reading. Many in this age group spend a lot of time watching TV as
one woman said in a friendship blog by the Friendship Doctor, Irene Levine! And in
a survey
on the popular SixtyAndMe website, 75% of the participants felt
lonely.
(image: Clauda Tremblay)
Other
women found their respective towns or communities where they had moved to, were not very
welcoming however much effort they put into making new friends.
Conversely, when they holidayed at other places, they found
people were very friendly. One woman said "I
do not belong to any category – I tried when I first moved here –
three tons of parties, invited neighbors over, cooked, served wine
etc. Not once was there ever any reciprocity. I won’t go into
detail but I tried again two years ago and had awful comments made
behind my back – by guess who? Women".
Maybe you have a friendship story to share?
Please feel free to comment below.
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